Essays and Stories by Marian Keyes

  CRACKS IN MY FOUNDATION

  Bags, Trips, Make-up Tips, Charity, Glory,

  and the Darker Side of the Story

  Essays and Stories by

  MARIAN KEYES

  Contents

  Introduction v

  Essays

  ON THE ROAD 3

  Cheaper Than Drugs 5

  Stack'n'fly 9

  Thirty-six Hours in Jo'burg 15

  Being Sent to Siberia 19

  Climb Every Mountain 31

  HEALTH AND BEAUTY 35

  They Say You Always Remember Your First Time . . . 37

  Hand Upgrade 42

  Knickers: A Vexed Area 46

  Your Bad Health 51

  Hair-brained 57

  Mirror, Mirror 62

  Faking It 68

  Once Were Worriers 73

  OH, THE GLAMOUR 77

  Fabulous, Darling 79

  Action! 85

  I Shop, Therefore I Am 90

  The Great Outdoors 96

  The Real Thing 102

  FRIENDS AND FAMILY 109

  Big Night Out 113

  Villa-itis 121

  Life Begins 127

  Big Air 131

  Eyes Wide Shut 139

  Flaming December 145

  Viva La Resolution? 150

  Hurling Insults 154

  NO PLACE LIKE HOME 161

  Black Out 163

  167 Queen of the Earplugs

  We Really Must Get Together This Year . . . 174

  Man Power 178

  Season of Goodwill (and Chocolate) 184

  BUT SERIOUSLY 189

  Beyond My Wildest Dreams 191

  Concerned 203

  Rebuilding Children 216

  The "F" Word 225

  Stories

  A Moment of Grace 3 A Woman's Right to Shoes 42 Precious 55 Soulmates 63 The Truth Is Out There 72 Under 101 The Mammy Walsh Problem Page 113

  About the Author

  Books by Marian Keyes

  Credits

  Cover

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  Hello and welcome to Cracks in My Foundation, the follow-up to Under the Duvet, my first volume of journalism. I say "journalism," but the articles included here are mostly humorous autobiographical pieces about subjects like my great love of makeup and ill health, and my great fear of being trapped on a bus in a foreign country with forty Irish people (it 's the singing.) There are also a few more serious pieces about feminism, mediums, and charity trips I've made to Ethiopia and Russia.

  This time around, some of my short stories are also included. In fact, all of them seem to be—all six of them. The thing is that I find it really hard to write short stories (the clue is in the name: they're too short. I'm only really getting into my stride with the characters and the plot, when next thing, it's time to finish it. As a result, I've written very few.).

  Also included here is something called "The Mammy Walsh Problem Page." Mammy Walsh is a character who has appeared in several of my novels as a supporting character (a mother, as it happens), and over time she has developed a life of her own. In response to readers' requests, she now dispenses no-nonsense advice. I am slightly worried that by giving her a platform in this book, she 'll lose the run of herself entirely; she 's pretty strident at the best of times.

  Some of the articles in this collection have already been published and the various publications are credited at the end of each piece. Thank you to all of them for permitting me to re-use the pieces.

  Now, just before someone writes and asks, everything in the non-fiction pieces in this book really did happen to me (yes, even turning forty), but occasionally I've changed people 's names to protect them (and sometimes me).

  All of my royalties from the Irish sales of the hardcover will go to To Russia With Love, a wonderful charity that works with Russian orphans. And thank you very much for reading this book. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

  Marian Keyes

  Essays

  ON THE ROAD

  Cheaper Than Drugs

  Iknow a man who denies that jet lag exists. He regularly flies halfway across the world, marches off the plane after a twentyseven-hour flight, goes straight into the Auckland office, pausing only to brush his teeth, and immediately starts barking orders and making people redundant. (Or whatever super-macho, no-humanweakness job it is he does.) I want to sue this man—as far as I'm concerned denying jet lag is like denying that the Earth is round. I am so prone to jet lag that I even get it when I haven't been on a plane: I get jet lag when the clocks go back.

  (It 's because I'm so in thrall to sleep. I'm grand if I get my habitual sixteen hours a night, but if anything happens to interfere with that, I'm all over the place. I am a martyr to my circadian rhythms.)

  Naturally, I've investigated all the jet lag "cures": stay away from alcohol on the plane; drink plenty of water; eat lightly; do a little exercise; get on to local time patterns immediately; and most importantly walk around in the sunlight as soon as you arrive at your faraway destination.

  All nonsense, of course: as effective as giving someone a Barbie Band-Aid for a shattered femur. I must admit I don't trust "natural" solutions to conditions; I like chemicals. I am probably the last person in the Western world who doesn't have a homeopath and who still swears by antibiotics. I would love if someone invented an anti–jet lag drug and I couldn't care less about side effects, in fact I'd embrace them. Dry mouth? Trembling? Blurred vision? Better than being fecking jet lagged and falling asleep facedown in my dinner at six in the evening.

  But unfortunately, for some things there is no cure but time. Like a hangover or a broken heart, you just have to wait your jet lag out and try to live through it as best you can.

  Of all the suggested "cures," I think that trying to get on to local time as quickly as possible is probably the best, but doing it is so phenomenally unpleasant. Walking around on feet I can no longer feel, swimming through air that seems lit with little silvery tadpoles, the pavement lurching towards me—everything takes on a strange, hallucinogenic quality. (Mind you, if you're that way inclined, it 'll save you a fortune in recreational drugs.)

  In Australia, I had the worst ever example of this. In a pitiful attempt to recover from a twenty-four-hour flight and an elevenhour time difference, myself and Himself thought we 'd "do a little exercise" and "walk around in the sunlight" as soon as we arrived.

  It was early evening, and clutching our bottles of water ("drink plenty of water"), we staggered about on an area of greenness so verdant that we gradually realized it must be a golf course. Bumping into each other and grumpily apologizing, like we were scuttered, I suddenly saw something that stopped me so abruptly in my tracks it was like I'd run into an invisible wall. Through the gath ering gloom, about twenty feet away, were two kangaroos who were kicking the CRAP out of each other. Seeing them balancing on their tail and laying into their sparring partner with their back legs with powerful whumps, I could actually feel the impacts. They were kicking each other so hard and fast it was like they were doing kung fu.

  It was then that I got a bad dose of The Fear. "Please tell me." I clutched Himself 's arm. "Please tell me that you see them too." (He said, "See what?" but he was only messing, thank Christ.)

  However, jet lag isn't all bad. It 's a great excuse to go out and get pure stotious, on the principle that if you're sick and psychotic with a hangover, you won't notice the jet lag. Or if you were planning a nervous breakdown, now's your chance. You'll be feeling alienated and fearful anyway; you might as well double up. And my own personal favorite—jet lag affords the perfect opportunity to e
at guiltfree Toblerones at two in the morning. Picture it—it 's pitch-black outside, a deep blanket of sleep has settled on whatever strange city you're in, and suddenly, as if you've just been plugged into the mains, you're AWAKE. You're super-awake, you've never before been this alert in your life. You're so firing on all cylinders that you could go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and win it in fifteen minutes. And you're also hungry. Savagely so. Your poor stomach is still on home time; it had to miss its breakfast and it 's not best pleased that someone wants to deprive it of its lunch as well. But deep in the bowels of the silent, sleeping hotel, the room service lads have shut up shop and gone home and it 's a long, long wait until morning.

  What choice have you but to shine the luminous light of the mini-bar into the darkened room and select an overpriced, super sized bag of M&M's and clamber back into bed to eat yourself back to sleep.

  See? Not all bad.

  A version of this was first published in Abroad, July 2004

  Stack'n'fly

  "I t is better to travel than to arrive."

  Whoever said that should get his head examined. It is NOT better to travel. To travel is AWFUL and to arrive is LOVELY.

  The only time it 's not entirely unbearable to travel is when you're on the Orient Express, and your daily champagne allowance would fell an elephant. Or on a cruise liner the size of a small country, and you're sailing from place to place but it doesn't feel like it,

  the same way you don't feel the Earth turning at four million miles a day (or whatever it is).

  Let 's look at how awful it is to TRAVEL, will we? I won't even mention the car-clogged crawl to the airport, the dog-eat-dog scramble for parking, and the overland trek from the long-stay car park to the departures hall. (All I'll say is that I've heard frequent travelers discussing the feasibility of paying homeless people to sleep in a space in the short-term car park, so that it 'll be reserved for them when they need it.)

  Anyway . . . Having arrived at departures but already lost the will to live, I look up at the telly monitors wondering where I should check in. But I needn't bother overexerting my neck muscles by looking up. All I need to do is look in, at the rowdy, pushing, shoving mass of humanity spilling out into the set-down area. It might look like a riot at a Red Cross feeding station but actually it 's a queue. A queue filled with shrieking babies all sporting ear infections, overexcited teenage boys, playfully breaking each other's limbs, and greasy long-haired men wanting to check in rocket launchers and garden sheds. Step right this way, Miss Keyes!

  For many, many hours I shuffle, far too slowly for any movement to be visible to the naked eye, and because—through no fault of my own—I'm one of the last to check in, all the good seats are gone. I'm usually told it 's not possible for the left side and right side of my body to sit together, so one half of me is in 11B and the other in 23E.

  Then I proceed to security in order to be groped and to display the contents of my brain on a little table. (Okay, security checks are a very good thing, I'm just sore because recently I was relieved of one of my finest tweezers in a handbag search. Very expensive they were too, something people don't seem to realize about tweezers. They think they only cost a couple of euro, but mine cost eighteen quid. Sterling.)

  The security check eventually comes to an end, and when I've replaced my internal organs in something approximating their correct configuration, I proceed to the gate—just in time for the delay!

  Now the thing is, I expect delays, I don't even mind them (apart from when I miss my connecting flight to Mauritius). I've learned to embrace them in a Zen kind of way—why resent them? Resenting them would be as futile as resenting the sun rising in the morning. Delays are.

  What I mind are the delay-related lies, the massive conspiracy that every airport employee is in on—the "Delay? What delay?" fiction. Sometimes I try to con the check-in person by asking, all super-innocent, "How long is the delay?" And just before they yawn and say, "Oh, you know, the usual, about an hour and ten," they suddenly flick me a furtive, fearful glance and go, "Delay? What delay?"

  We 're treated just like small children on a long car journey who ask their mammy, "Are we there yet?" Instead of the mammy saying brusquely, "It 's another three hours, so just get fecking-well used to it," she fobs them off with "Soon, love, soon."

  However, I would rather know the facts, unpalatable and all as they might be, because then I could quite happily go round the shops and try out lipsticks on the back of my hand, instead of sitting anxiously at the gate watching the greasy long-haired men polishing their rocket launchers.

  But when I've pleaded, "Just tell me the truth," the response has been, "The truth?" Mad B-movie cackle. "You couldn't HANDLE the truth."

  But no night is too long and finally, on we get! Most planes smell a bit funny now because the airlines have "cut back on" (euphemism for abolished) their cleaning staff, but who's complaining? God Almighty, when did a bad smell ever kill anyone? We can spray perfume on hankies and keep them clamped to our faces; it worked fine in Elizabethan times, why not now?

  Anyway, so I take my seat and calmly wait to be joined by the twenty-stone person with personal hygiene issues, who is invariably seated next to me. But once in a blue moon the unthinkable happens and the seat beside me remains empty. Other passengers flood in and sit down and still no one gets in beside me. I hardly dare let my self hope. Like, what are the chances? No I won't let myself think it, I won't even entertain the thought. But then the trolley dollies start making their "cross-check" and "cross-hatch" noises and my hope can no longer be contained. It breaks free and goes on the rampage. Could it possibly be . . . ? Have I really been given the luxury of space and privacy and fragrant-ish air for this flight? Thank you God, oh thank you!

  And then I hear it: the faint pounding noise, which gets nearer and louder. Please God, no, I beg. I can actually feel it now, the plane is slightly shaking with each rumble—the unmistakable sound of a twenty-stone smelly person running down the metal walkway. With a sinking heart I hear the groan of metal straining as he steps onto the plane and he makes his way directly towards me, the floor buckling and creaking with each step. After ten minutes' banging and clattering, as he tries to fit his rocket launcher into the overhead compartment, he fights his way into his seat, gives me a gap-toothed smile, and unwraps his kebab.

  If only that was all I had to endure, but as airlines have also cut back on (i.e., abolished) their maintenance staff, I usually spend the flight with my table tray crashing down onto my knees every time the person in the seat in front breathes.

  Eventually we reach our destination, and after we have staved off the curse of Icarus and prevented the wings from falling off, by completing the ritual thirty circles over the entire city, we 're allowed to land. Only to discover—why, why, why?—we have to sit on the tarmac like a crowd of fools because they can't find a set of steps for us. This is the point where I start talking to myself, pretending to be the local air traffic control people. "A plane, you say? Landed? What, here? And you all want to get off ? Steps, is it? And a coach? And what magic wand do you expect us to wave? Look, we 'll do our best to accommodate you this once but bear in mind this is an airport, we 're not equipped for this sort of thing."

  A speedy couple of hours polishes off the passport control, the luggage carousel, the unattended luggage desk to report the unarrived luggage and the taxi queue "managed" by some power-crazed weirdo who understands the laws of the universe in an entirely different way from the rest of us. Then, after a soupcon of heavy traffic—finally, I ARRIVE!

  Come in, they say, sit down, no lie down, on a silken feather bed and have some nectar. Ambrosia, so? Chunky Kit Kat? Widescreen TV? Jo Malone candles? Foot rub? Spot of reiki? Sex with George Clooney? Just say it and you can have it.

  See, TRAVEL = horrible and ARRIVE = nice.

  Surely we 're all agreed on it? Apparently something like a hundred and twelve percent of regular travelers say that the one thing that would tran
sform their quality of life would be a "Beam me up, Scotty" machine so that they could just arrive directly at their destination and cut out all that nasty pesky traveling.

  But in the absence of that, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the unique Stack'n'fly System (currently pending patent.) The brainchild of seasoned traveler . . . er . . . me and my friend Malcolm—this is how it works. You check your bags in as usual, go to your gate, lie down on a stretcher, get strapped in, then a nurse comes along and administers a knock-out shot. You're totally out cold and until you arrive at your destination, you know nothing. Not delays, not kebab man, nothing.

  The seats would be removed from the planes so that several stretchers could be stacked on top of each other, not unlike the on board catering trollies (which, of course, there would no longer be any need for). That way there would be room for the airlines to get loads more passengers in, so everyone 's happy.

  Instead of air hostesses on board, we 'd have a nurse who'd patrol the aisle with a hypodermic syringe, just in case someone starts to come to, too early. Fantastic, eh?